it's not that deepit's not that deep

a few weeks ago at esalen
our facilitator, steven
led us through an exercise

he asked us

what’s your relationship with love?

i answered

well, i’ve figured out the self love part pretty well
i looked in the mirror a few years ago
and for the first time said i was proud of mys–

if i’m hearing you correctly
do i have to be proud of you
for you to accept my love?

in that instant
a pipe inside of me burst

the tears i had felt shameful for never shedding
after the passing of my grandparents
the tears i needed to flow down my face
and soil my lips with a salty aftertaste
the tears i couldn’t coax out of myself

slowly but surely
these tears begun to flow

over the last few weeks
i’ve integrated this experience
in my day to day
living in wholeness
in an embodied kind of way

curiously

over this past weekend
i saw a different side
of this depth
in a sillier
more matter-of-fact way

i used to abhor this phrase
but i must give credit
where it is due

there’s a levity that comes
from realizing life doesn’t need
to be wrapped up in meaning
all the time

this life can be a funny thing
this life can be a silly thing
this life can be anything
this life can be everything

and there’s nothing i can do to control everything
especially the impermanence of it all
even when i do all the “right” things
life still holds the reins

it’s terrifying
yet hilarious
it’s ridiculous
yet freeing

i often find myself on a tightrope
tip toeing a dance between
THIS IS INSANE or this is fine

i orbit this line in terror

what happens when i fall off?
i’ve never been great at balance!!!

this weekend
i fell off the rope
only to find i fell two feet
onto a new high wire
straddling a new line
a fresh binary or
to try and pick between

but there is no or

it’s happy and sad
it’s everything and nothing
it’s life and death

there’s nothing at the end of the rainbow
the only thing we can do is live

that’s it

life is this funky little experience
and we’ve invented a litany of options
to choose how to entertain ourselves
while we wait for it to end

from the moment we’re born
the clock is ticking
so we might as well
show up for it

we might as well do things
we might as well make things
we might as well try the love thing too

life will happen
whether we stress about it or we don’t
so we might as well laugh at everything
as it all unfolds in its brilliance

there’s a joy i’ve found
in recognizing the absurdity of it all
a lightness that makes the weight bearable

it’s heavy and light
silly and serious
crushing and lifting
all at the same time

no one knows when
they will fall for the last time
the rope only ends when it does
and not a moment sooner

i don’t know if this feeling will last
maybe tomorrow i’ll have to start over
or maybe not

either way i’ll keep going
i’ll keep enjoying the ride
and find comfort in knowing
no one has it all figured out

and no one ever will

my grand conclusion?

and that
my friend

that is as deep as it gets.